The Power of Looking for the Good - Part Two

Last week, I reflected on my early days teaching, and the tradition I started of calling every single student's parent or guardian within the first three weeks of the semester just to share one genuine, positive thing I noticed about their child. If you missed that message, you can read it here.

I promised to tell you what happened after those phone calls.

The shift didn't happen like a dramatic scene out of a movie. It happened quietly, the very next morning, the moment those kids walked through my classroom door.

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Our Words are Like Mirrors

Middle schoolers are hyper-aware of how they are perceived. I worked in a school where lockdowns weren’t  uncommon and many students carried heavy adult burdens. Looking tough was a survival strategy. Many of them expected teachers to look at them with suspicion, waiting for them to break a rule.

But the morning after those phone calls, the energy in the room shifted.

• Defenses dropped. Kids who usually slouched in the back row with their hoods up walked in a little taller.
• Trust replaced tension. The students who had been trying to act hardened suddenly smiled a little easier.
• An alliance was formed. They knew their parents had been called, but instead of the usual dread, their parents were delighted. And the kids were shocked and thrilled to realize I was on their side.

I realized a profound truth in those weeks: People have a beautiful, heartbreaking tendency to become what we reflect back to them.

When we look at someone through the lens of their flaws, their mistakes, or their loud behaviors, we hold up a mirror that only shows their brokenness. But when we intentionally look beneath the surface and reflect their goodness, their humor, or their quiet resilience back to them, we give them permission to step into that version of themselves.

I had high expectations, but I had even deeper grace.

Holding up a positive mirror didn't mean my classroom became a chaotic free-for-all. I actually held incredibly high expectations for respectful behavior and hard work.

But because a foundation of love and respect had been poured out first, the students met those expectations. They didn't do it out of fear of punishment; they did it because they knew they were valued. Classroom management stopped being a daily battle of wills and became a shared practice of mutual respect.

This isn't just about middle-school classrooms.

This is how human beings operate.

We live in a world that constantly mirrors our inadequacies, our productivity metrics, and our shortcomings. If we aren't careful, we start doing the same to the people in our lives—our partners, our coworkers, our children—and, most damagingly, to ourselves.

How often do you look in the mirror—literally or metaphorically—and only see the mistake you made yesterday, the awkward comment you made in a meeting, or the ways you feel you're falling short? What if you changed the way you saw yourself?

A Simple Reflection for Your Week

This week, let’s practice being a different kind of mirror. When you are interacting with someone, or when you are sitting quietly with your own thoughts, try this simple shift:

• Catch them (or yourself) doing something right. Notice the quiet kindness, the patience in a long line, or your own willingness to keep showing up even when you're tired.
• Say it out loud. If it’s someone else, tell them exactly what you appreciate about them. If it's you, take ten seconds to rest your mind on that gentle truth.

We don't need to perform perfectly to be worthy of a good reflection. Sometimes, just acknowledging the light that is already there is enough to make it grow.

Next Week...

Building these foundations of love, trust, and mutual respect changed the entire culture of my classroom. And a few months later, that bond was tested in a split-second moment I will never forget—when a student in crisis threatened me, and the rest of the room made a choice that still touches my heart deeply more than 20 years later.

I'll tell you all about it next week.

Until then, let your inner light guide you,

Jessica

P.S. You know I love to hear your thoughts, so I want to invite you to think about the "mirrors" in your own life.

Has anyone ever reflected a positive quality back to you that you hadn't recognized in yourself? Or, is there someone in your life right now who could use a better reflection from you? Hit reply and share your story with me. I can’t always reply to every response, but I read every single one of them and try to respond to as many as possible.